Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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