Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
