I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize