His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
