Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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