You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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