I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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