dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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