Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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