i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize