I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
