sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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