You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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