so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
