Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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