Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Floor bacon is actually really good
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
