Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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