I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
