I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
