what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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