im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
