I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We're too hungover to prance.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
