I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
