Define "chronic" masturbator.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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