the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Vodka?
Forever.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
