A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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