I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
