I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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