I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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