dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
