sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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