is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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