were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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