I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
