he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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