I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
