i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
