New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
