Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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