I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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