Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
