Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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