Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My breasts were aching with rage.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
