whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
