One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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