i think my tv is drunk
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
