We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize