my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
