I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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