Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
