CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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