nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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