This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
