I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it hurts more in the daytime
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
