turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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