I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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