Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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