Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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